When your body changes, and you don’t quite recognise yourself
Sarah was in her mid-50s when she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. At the time, it didn’t fully land. The changes had been small to start with. A tremor in…
For a lot of women, the years of raising children are busy in a way that leaves very little space for anything else. Life tends to revolve around routines, responsibilities, and whatever needs sorting next. You get used to working as a team, getting through the day, keeping things going.
And your relationship is still there, of course it is, but it often sits a bit more in the background. Not because it doesn’t matter, but because there hasn’t really been the room for it to be centre stage. Over time, that can just become the way things are.
Then something shifts. The children get older and leave home.
The house gets quieter. The routines start to fall away. There’s more space than there used to be, and sometimes more time together as well. On paper, it can look like things are easing.
But it doesn’t always feel that simple.
I think this is the point where some couples start to notice things they haven’t had to look at for a long time. Conversations don’t always come as easily. Silences can feel a bit longer, or a bit more noticeable. You might find yourself thinking, when did we stop talking like we used to?
It can feel unfamiliar, and that can be quite unsettling in itself.
Not because something dramatic has happened, but because so much of life has been focused elsewhere for so long. You’ve both been busy being parents, organisers, problem-solvers… whatever was needed at the time. And in doing that, the relationship has had to take a quieter role.
That doesn’t mean it’s broken.
More often, it’s just a bit out of practice.
Out of practice at being two people who are choosing to spend time together, rather than two people keeping everything else running.
There can also be something a bit deeper going on here. When roles begin to change, it’s not just the relationship that shifts, it can be your sense of yourself as well. If so much of your identity has been tied up in caring for others, it can feel strange when that changes, even if it’s something you knew was coming.
For some women, this stage brings a quiet sense of loss. For others, it feels more like a question mark. What now? Where do I fit, now that things look different? Who am I outside of all of that?
That’s not always something you can quickly answer on your own.
Sometimes it helps to start smaller than that.
You might begin by noticing what still feels like you. Not in a big, life-changing way, but in small things. What you find yourself drawn to, what you enjoy when no one else needs anything from you. It can be less about finding something new, and more about recognising what has been there all along.
It can also be a time where your sense of value shifts. For a long time, that may have been tied up in being needed, being the one who keeps things going. When that changes, it can leave a bit of a gap. Taking some time to think about what your value looks like now can feel unfamiliar, but it is part of this stage.
And sometimes it is just about allowing yourself to feel what is actually there. There can be a mix of things. Relief, loss, pride, uncertainty. Not needing to rush past that, or tidy it up too quickly, can make a difference.
For some women, having a space that is just for them can help with this. Somewhere to talk things through and work out where they are in it all, without needing to have the answers straight away.
For couples, it can be about something slightly different. Not fixing anything, but finding a way to understand each other again in this new stage. Working out how to be together when life looks different, and how to move forward in a way that feels right for both of you.
There isn’t one answer to any of this, and there isn’t a right way to feel about it either.
But it is something that can be thought about, talked about, and slowly worked through.
Because this stage isn’t just about something ending. It can also be the beginning of something different, even if it doesn’t feel like that at first.
Counselling can help you understand this new shift in identity. Whether it’s just you, or with your partner, therapy can support your new journey at this stage of your life.
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